This time of year, Christmas-time, was always my favorite time of the year. It’s the ONLY time I did not mind the snow, in fact, I preferred it! Christmas-time was always, without fail, that time where the Christmas Spirit seemed to infiltrate my soul in a physical kind of way magnifying  joy and love and somehow wiping worry from my mind.  The focus and attention was on family, friends and new acquaintances without the distractions that seemed to get in the way throughout the rest of the year. A large part of the Christmas season was the decorating, baking and of course, the Christmas music. In our house, that meant Christmas music from Thanksgiving day right on through January 2nd, 3rd or 4th when we removed the Christmas tree and dismantled the decorations.

Since losing Tyler this has all changed. The Christmas Spirit somehow fails to find it’s way into my soul; it tries, but it’s just not the same. Yes, there are happy memories, but those memories are the catalyst to endless waves of pain, emptiness, loss and sorrow. Now, Christmas music is avoided at all costs. In fact, there has been no Christmas music in our house since Christmas of 2009… sad but true!  The season is no longer something we look forward too and have a hard time acknowledging. Pam no longer bakes for days in a row and we no longer have the emotional strength to write a single Christmas card. We prefer to simply close our eyes until it passes; but it just does not work that way.  Where does that leave us? We’re just left to endure it; forced to remember and reflect. Yes, beautiful memories and experiences are recalled; this is wonderful, to a point. But we are also left to reflect on Christmas past when we suffered as a family after our lives changed in 2006. It was difficult and it was scary, but we worked through it; we even thought we conquered it. But we didn’t.

We’re not the first to experience such devastation and tragedy, and we won’t be the last. In fact, so much tragedy surrounds us that I feel compelled to keep my mouth shut!  Who am I to whine! Some have lost entire families, homes, and are left without anyone or anything! I realize this; that’s why I keep quiet.  I don’t talk, I don’t write. I just try to figure it out.  So where does this leave me?  I reflect, think, worry, analyze, replay, wonder where we went wrong, what we could have done different and how we can continue to fulfill Tyler’s wish through his foundation.  I try hard to “move forward” but I know in many ways I am stuck; it’s hard to be happy without Tyler present, where he is suppose to be. I can’t stop thinking how wonderful it would be if Tyler was still here loving his Mom, me and especially his big beautiful brother, Ryan… what a AWESOME pair they would be today!

So I guess Christmas-time to me is less about the Christmas Spirit that used to fill me, enlighten me and make my heart soar with joy. It’s more about reflection and where we’ve been. Yes, I’m sad. But in my sadness I also know that God is in my heart and Tyler is in heaven.  Although the Christmas joy I knew is now missing, it has transitioned into something else, a purpose, a plan. Christmas lives in me still, but in a different way and throughout the entire year!  Maybe someday I will find I am able to listen to Christmas music once again; until then, this is the song I hear over and over in my head.  Maybe looking back will somehow move me forward.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTA2buWlNyM